


Just This One Time

by Sugahyung



Category: Dan Howell - Fandom, Phan, Phandom, Phil Lester - Fandom, dan and phil
Genre: Also goes to show the harmful effects things online can have js, Body Dysmorphia, Eating Disorder, Eating disorder mention/implication, Established Relationship, In the end it gets cute tho, Kinda sad but not really, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2018-01-17
Packaged: 2019-03-05 23:11:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13398267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sugahyung/pseuds/Sugahyung
Summary: Just this one time, Dan swore to himself. Phil didn’t have to know.





	Just This One Time

**Author's Note:**

> This story is kinda short but it’s also highkey a callout to all the nasties discussing Dan’s weight all over the internet through toxic and disgusting controversies. You never know what someone’s going through so don’t start shit about it.

Dan hadn’t really noticed his weight gain lately nor did he really care, until he saw the speculations on Tumblr. 

Phil always told Dan to avoid Tumblr if he could because it was just packed full of ridiculous controversies surrounding him and Phil knew that Dan could never keep his giant mouth shut about things like that. 

But that wasn’t going to stop Dan from going on tumblr every once and a while. He and Phil hadn’t done anything ridiculous lately that would cause controversy so he assumed that he was safe.

He was wrong.

One of the very first posts that Dan saw was about his weight. Dan usually ignored posts like this as they were absolutely ridiculous. He would only speak out about anything like that if it was blowing up and out of proportion so much that it was the only thing he could find in comments and replies on every aspect of social media. 

He furrowed his brows but got far too curious and continued reading the long post. By the end Dan felt completely sick to his stomach. He didn’t want to admit it but he felt as though most of the things written about him were true. He had gained weight, he had been eating too much junk food lately now that he and Phil were no longer touring and he was majorly slacking on his ‘daily’ gym visits, he just didn’t know it was becoming visible to his viewers.

He looked down at his stomach, looking around to make sure Phil wasn’t around before lifting his shirt a bit and taking an actual look. He remembered the days when his stomach was flat and his thighs and arms were skinnier. 

All of the toxic thoughts from those days began to swarm his mind. Those were the really difficult days where Dan’s major depression and body dysmorphia had caused him to develop an eating disorder. Those days were stressful and full of tears and screaming thoughts of ‘ill never be good enough’. 

Those days were long over but Dan couldn’t help but wonder, would one more time really be that bad? Would it do any more harm to him than he was doing to himself by eating so much and not exercising? 

Dan pushed his laptop off of his lap and got up on shaky legs. Phil wasn’t home right now, he didn’t have to know.

It would only be this one time. 

Dan’s unsteady legs slowly but surely brought him to the bathroom, where he closed and locked the door for good measure. 

He walked over to the mirror and turned to get a side view of himself. The first thing he thought about his body was that he was ‘disproportionate’. It seemed to be a strange word he never thought he would use to describe himself but that was the first thing that came to mind. Instead of seeing a reflection of a lanky guy, he saw his stomach was poking out more, becoming more and more visible as time went on. He didn’t like it at all and he couldn’t help but curse himself as he felt a tear rushing down his face.

He took a deep breath, wiping his eyes before walking over to the toilet and lifting the seat 

‘Just this one time,’ Dan said to himself before leaning over and sticking a finger down his throat.

-

Phil picked up on Dan’s strange behaviour really quickly. The cogs in his brain began moving when he came home to find Dan fast asleep in his room with his laptop still in the lounge, open on a ridiculous and toxic post on Tumblr. Dan never left his laptop open and on, especially on something Phil had instructed him to stay away from.

His brain kept high alert on Dan throughout the rest of the week, and as time went on, Dan’s behaviours changed very dramatically. Dan was barely eating, claiming he wasn’t very hungry, he had no energy yet still pushed himself too hard at the gym to the point of physical sickness. Phil was worried about him, but he didn’t know how to address it.

One night around 2am Phil was laying in bed scrolling through Instagram when he heard Dan’s feet padding frantically down the hallway and into the bathroom. Just moments later he heard the telltale sounds and knew exactly what Dan was doing. He heard the sounds of forced gags and attempts to throw up before Dan finally succeeded at expelling any food contents he had in his stomach from that day.

Phil quickly got out of bed and walked down to the bathroom, where the door had been left open. He stood silently at the doorframe as he was met with a heartbreaking sight. 

There Dan was standing in front of the mirror, his eyes red, his cheeks flushed and tears staining his cheeks. He was standing there looking at his stomach with hazy eyes. He was mumbling with a shaky voice about how he would never be good enough for Phil and how Phil deserved someone better and not as fucked up as him.

Phil pulled himself out of his shock and quickly rushed over to Dan’s side and embraced him. Dan was taken by surprise and pushed Phil away out of shock and fear.

His brown eyes seemed a bit dull but Phil could see the remains of someone who was trying so hard to hold on to any form of sanity he could. 

“I’m sorry,” Dan said, his voice completely worn out. Dan was scared. He didn’t want to lose Phil, he didn’t want Phil to go through what he had so many years ago, he didn’t want Phil to leave him because he was too big, but he also didn’t want Phil to leave him because he was too fucked up. Dan didn’t know what to do anymore. 

“Dan, baby,” Phil whispered softly, tears clouding his eyes. He opened his arms for Dan rather than embracing him, in case Dan didn’t want physical affection at the moment, but Dan completely collapsed into Phil’s arms, sobbing into Phil’s chest. 

Phil held him close and ran his fingers through Dan’s slightly tangled and unwashed hair. He shushed him softly and gave him sweet whispers talking about how much he loved Dan. How he would never ever leave Dan and how Dan was perfect the way that he was and that he always would be in Phil’s eyes. 

After Dan had calmed down a bit, Phil got him a glass of water and Tylenol because he was certain the boy would have a headache after this, and encouraged Dan to brush his teeth. Dan did as he was told, slowly and with shaky hands, but Phil stood behind him with every moment and hugged him close, rubbing his thumb over Dan’s stomach and side and placing soft kisses on his shoulders through his shirt.

After Dan was done with all that, Phil turned on the water in the shower, telling Dan they were both going to get in and clean up and feel refreshed. Dan was hesitant. Phil has seen Dan naked so many times but Dan was suddenly as self conscious about this as he was years ago.

Phil stepped closer to Dan and lifted his shirt a bit, looking Dan in the eyes with a soft and reassuring smile as he rubbed his thumb gently over Dan’s slightly exposed stomach.

“It’s okay baby. I love you so much. So perfect the way that you are. I’ll always love you so much bear, please never forget that,” with Phil’s soft words, Dan hesitantly lifted his shirt over his head before stepping into the shower with Phil.

-

Later that night, or rather later that morning, Dan and Phil were laying silently in Dan’s bed together, Dan was shirtless and Phil was resting his head on Dan’s stomach, placing soft kisses all over it before moving and leaving slow kisses all over the rest of his body.

As Phil made his way back up Dan’s body, his lips still leaving gentle touches as he went, Phil looked Dan in the eyes and leaned in, pressing a gentle yet meaningful kiss to Dan’s lips. When he pulled back he whispered ‘you are so perfect Dan, I love you so much,” and with the warm feeling in his chest and the skipping beat of his heart, Dan had no choice but to believe him.


End file.
